guys...

This is funny.. enjoy..

God, apparently as a prank, devised two sexes and called them "opposite." The sex war has raged since for 5,ooo years. But it's time we called a truce... starting with men negotiating their terms of surrender.

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. Just look at the evidence. What excites men? Food, footy and the Playboy channel. The trouble is, women get all excited about nothing... and then we marry him.

Over half of all marriages today end in divorce, (and let's face it, more ought to!) and the majority of these divorces are initiated by women. (Obviously many marriages break up for religious reasons - he thinks he's a God and well, she just doesn't.)

Marriage statistics are currently lower than Britney Spears's bikini line. And as we now know that marriage suits men much better than it suits women, (married men live longer than single men, have less heart disease and mental problems, whereas single women live longer than married women and have less heart disease and mental problems), I suspect that it's women who are getting PMT. - Pre Monogamy Tension.

As it's in a man's interest to keep us happy, it might be helpful to give them a list of what a woman's looking for in her Knight in Shining Armani.

First and foremost, we want a man who knows that 'mutual orgasm' is not an insurance company. (If he persists in this attitude, may I suggest you adopt the "doggy position" - where he begs - and you just roll over and play dead.)

We also prefer a man who does half the housework and the odd sensitive thing with mange tout. (The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach. That is NOT aiming too high.)

We favour a bloke who talks to us too. I often feel that my small intestine communicates with me more often than my husband. After all, word play is foreplay for females. How else is Woody Allen still getting laid?

Unless crossed, the female of the species tends towards fidelity and constancy. There are a few species where the male stays faithful until he dies - mostly as a result of being eaten by his partner after mating.

The truth is, many men go straight from puberty to adultery. And yet they expect their women to be so virginal. Males are prone to pant - "Darling, darling, am I the first man to make love to you?" To which the woman replies, "Of course.... I don't know why you men keep asking the same silly question?!" Believe me boys, if you don't want the Pope to start ringing you up for tips on celibacy, I suggest you stop thinking that monogamy is something you make dining room tables out of.

But girls, do you know what really makes a man perfect? Being perfect enough to understanding why we're not.